Few Things

Chris’ directorial debut:

So I just finished my “Writing for a TV Talk Show” class at the Improv Olympic in Chicago.  It was an 8-week class and we turned in our talk show portfolios today.  I’m going to be sending this portfolio out to agents in hope of getting a writing job.  The portfolio is broken down into 4 sections.

*  The Audience, Staff & Crew

*  Remotes

*  Desk Pieces

*  Monologue

I decided to write for “Late Night With Conan O’Brien.”  I would really appreciate some feedback on my portfolio.  Feel free to leave a comment or email me at LocalJ@hotmail.com.  Thanks!

-Chris

AUDIENCE MEMBER TRIES TO KNOCK TONE LOC INTO A DUNK TANK - An audience member gets randomly chosen from the audience to knock rapper/actor Tone Loc into a dunk tank. If the audience member knocks Tone Loc into the dunk tank he or she will win a copy of Tone Loc’s latest CD “Cool Hand Loc.” If the audience member fails to knock Tone Loc into the dunk tank they get to touch Conan’s hair.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH THESE T-SHIRTS? - Members of Conan’s staff and other actors are in the audience and they are wearing t-shirts that are insulting to Conan. The t-shirts says things like: “Conan is a Turkey,” “Conan Murdered my Goldfish,” “Conan Farted on my Pillow,” “Conan Groped my Grandmother,” “Conan has a Penile Implant,” “Conan Dressed up as Punky Brewster for Halloween,” “Conan’s Favorite Movie is Mannequin,” “Conan Collects Ceramic Unicorns.” There are two kids in the audience, one of them is wearing a t-shirt that says “Conan O’Brien told me that there is no Santa Claus,” the other little kid is wearing a t-shirt that says “Conan O’Brien introduced me to Jack Daniels.” The kid has a bottle of Jack in his hand and is drunk out of his mind.

THE MORTAL ENEMY, LADY AND THE TRAMP, KISS-CAM - Mortal enemies are reenacting the spaghetti kiss scene from Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp.” The mortal enemies are played by Conan’s staff and they are sitting in the audience. Some of mortal enemies: R. Kelly and a toilet bowl, Colonel Sanders and a member of PETA, Optimus Prime and Megatron, Matthew Broderick and Godzilla, George Washington and King George the third, a Polish person and a light bulb, a Blood and a Crip, Amy Winehouse and sobriety, Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth, and a shark and an ostrich.

MAX WEINBERG SCARES A DOUCHEBAG - Max Weinberg goes around scaring every breed of douchebag. Max’s tactic in order to scare these douchebags consists of him sneaking up behind a douchebag and growling. The douchebags always run and scream like a little girl after Max has scared them. Types of douchebags that Max encounters: Bluetooth earpiece douchebag, sunglasses on the back of the neck douchebag, douchebag that likes high-fiving a little too much, Ford Mustang douchebag, No Fear sticker douchebag, tribal tattoo douchebag, douchebag that brags about how much he can drink, douchebag that is in a Bean-Bag league, douchebag that takes 16 inch softball too seriously, douchebag that is wearing a Nickelback t-shirt with all the tour dates on the back, douchebag who thinks it’s socially acceptable to walk around in public without a shirt on, douchebag that uses the terms “stud, chief, ace, bro, dude, boss, babe, home slice, and home nugget” when talking to his male friends, douchebag that still has the price tag on his car, and douchebag that says “it’s on your left, no, your other left.”

CONAN CHALLENGES JON LOVITZ TO A DUEL WITH A GOATEE-RAY - The Goatee-Ray is a gun that when fired shoots out a laser and gives a goatee to the person who was shot. Conan and Jon Lovitz stand back-to-back and they both take 10 paces forward. Conan fires his Goatee-Ray but misses. Jon Lovitz fires his Goatee-Ray but just as the laser beam is about to hit Conan in his face Andy Richter jumps in and gets hit by the laser. Conan says, “Andy, I can’t believe you took a goatee for me, thanks man, I owe you one.” Andy, who now has a goatee, says, “don’t mention it old friend, you would have done the same for me.” Tina Fey was accidently shot by the Goatee-Ray (she is sitting in the audience and she has a goatee). Christopher Walken steals one of the Goatee-Rays and says, “now I have the most powerful weapon in the universe.” Christopher Walken runs away with the Goatee-Ray and he laughs in a sinister fashion (a graphic that says “To Be Continued” goes up on the screen).

CONAN RIDES A TWO-MAN BIKE THROUGH CENTRAL PARK WITH BATMAN - Conan engages in various activities throughout Central Park with Batman: Conan and Batman push over a port-a-potty, they take a carriage ride, they stop off for a beer, they go suntanning, they pick up chicks, they get into a fight with Donald Trump in the style of the 1960’s TV show, the play red-rover, they lay on the ground and describe what the clouds look like, they play hide-and-go-seek, and they urinate in public

CONAN SPIES ON JOHN GOODMAN - Conan follows John Goodman around, Conan has binoculars and one of those mini satellite dishes with the headphones so he can hear from really far away. Conan watches as John Goodman visits many fascinating locations: John Goodman goes to a Black Panther meeting, John Goodman steals from a blind beggar, John Goodman fights a panda at the zoo, John Goodman tries on wedding dresses, John Goodman dresses up as King Henry the 8th and gets shot out of a canon, John Goodman goes to work as a waitress at Hooters, someone dares John Goodman to eat a ceiling fan (he eats it then he burps), John Goodman goes to a meeting for people who are addicted to Beanie Babies, John Goodman arm wrestles the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi, and John Goodman goes home and watches reruns of “Roseanne” and he says to himself “oh Dan Conner, you crack me up” he laughs and then he eats another ceiling fan.

CONAN GOES FISHING - Conan goes fishing off a pier on the Atlantic Ocean. He catches many interesting items: Bruce Willis’s debut album “The Return of Bruno,” a male blow-up doll that says “property of LaBamba” on it, “Charles in Charge” season 1 on DVD, a coupon for a free “Hello Kitty” tattoo, Joel Godard’s book “How to Seduce Asian Men,” Tom Hanks’s stunt double from the movie “Splash,” and Dee Snider from the band “Twisted Sister.”

CONAN ATTEMPTS TO USE HIS CELEBRITY STATUS IN ORDER TO GET FREE STUFF - Conan visits many businesses and locations throughout New York in order to get free stuff but he always gets turned down. Conan visits: the Dollar Store, a hooker, Hot Topic, the hospital, Cinnabon, the Kmart Café, the ice cream man, the thrift store, an erotic cake store, and a bank.

CONAN DING-DONG DITCHES BILLY CRYSTAL’S HOUSE AND HAS VARIOUS PEOPLE AND THINGS ATTACK HIM - Conan rings Billy Crystal’s door bell, runs, and hides. After Billy Crystal sees that there is no one on his front porch he turns around to go back inside. This is when Conan has something attack Billy Crystal: robot ninjas, the offensive line of the New York Giants, that giant round boulder from “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” Gheorghe Muresan, Limbo Slice ( Kimbo Slice’s cousin) Limbo Slice limbos into Billy Crystal’s house and then punches him in the face, a Stormtrooper, Grimace, and a gay Terminator (the gay Terminator asks Billy Crystal if he knows John Connor, Billy Crystal says “no.” The gay Terminator says, “OK, toodles,” then he skips away. Conan is angry and says, “damn, when will I learn that gay Terminators are just a waste of money”).

ON VACATION WITH CARBONITE HAN SOLO - Conan holds up cartoon drawings of some of the activities that Han Solo participated in while on vacation and frozen in carbonite: Carbonite Han Solo playing beach volleyball, Carbonite Han Solo doing a keg stand, Carbonite Han Solo getting kicked out of a casino for counting cards, Carbonite Han Solo going antiquing, Carbonite Han Solo relaxing at a bed and breakfast, Carbonite Han Solo attempting to do a cannonball into a swimming pool, Carbonite Han Solo water skiing, and Carbonite Han Solo getting his picture taken in front of Mount Rushmore but one of his buddies is giving him “bunny ears.”

PEOPLE AND THINGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE ON TRAMPOLINES - Conan shows pictures of people and things you’d rather not see jumping on trampolines: naked Colin Powell, the Phillie Phanatic wearing assless chaps, TV’s Blossom, a cow on rollerskates, Keiko (the whale from the “Free Willy” movies) with Gene Simmons on his back, Billy and Benny McCrary (the world’s heaviest twins from the Guinness Book of World Records) riding their mini-motorcycles, Jabba the Hut wearing an Abe Lincoln hat and beard, and Booger (from the “Revenge of the Nerds” movies) laying in a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

NEW STREET SIGNS - Conan shows pictures of new street signs that the government has put up across the country: Stop! Or Sylvester Stallone will make another “Rocky” movie, masturbation free zone, beware of dudes with tilted hats, please do not drag race with the Popemobile, lookout for bears with handguns, do not feed Tony Little, yield to pedestrians with hairy nipples.

JAMES BOND’S MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS - Conan holds up cartoon drawings of James Bond’s most awkward and embarrassing moments: James Bond not being able to open a jar of pickles, James Bond waking up next to Clay Aiken, James Bond with his armpits clenched because he forgot to put on deodorant, James Bond running out of toilet paper as he sits on the toilet, James Bond buying XFL season tickets, James Bond getting erectile dysfunction while making out with a hot Russian spy, James Bond endorsing Michael Dukakis for president, and James Bond buying a Laserdisc Player.

BAD HALLOWEEN TREATS - Conan shows pictures of some of the lackluster treats children got this past Halloween: a DVD of the movie “Glitter,” a gift certificate for a free lower back tattoo, the Bible, non-alcoholic beer, an autographed picture of Carrot Top, a Commodore 64, a box of pierogis, New York Yankee season tickets, MC Hammer’s autobiography, and free passes to the local Nature Museum.

UNLIKELY CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS - Conan shows pictures of celebrities endorsing products that they should not be endorsing: LeBron James endorsing Secret deodorant, Flavor Flav endorsing Crest toothpaste, Manute Bol endorsing the Mini Cooper, Bob Costas endorsing the website Dreadlocks.com (Bob Costas has dreadlocks in his hair), John McCain endorsing Summer’s Eve, and Frosty the Snowman endorsing Hawaii as a great place to travel to (Frosty is melted and his puddle is saying “Hawaii is great!” There is a corncob pipe, a button, and 2 pieces of coal in the puddle).

Talk show host who interviews celebrities while he is sitting on the toilet.
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
The celebrity says, “you know what, I don’t feel comfortable doing this.” The host says, “no, you’re doing great, so tell me about your movie.” The host farts when the celebrity starts talking about his movie.

A man goes into a STD clinic. He has a huge scab on his upper lip but he is convinced that he is fine. He talks to the secretary and sits down next to the other patients. All the other patients are staring at his huge scab. The STD Man says to another patient, “I think I’m ok, just want to be caustious you know.” The patient points at his lip and says, “but you have a bloop on your lip.” The STD Man says, “nah, just chapped lips.” He puts on some chapstick and says to the patient, “wanna borrow some?” The patient changes seats.

Two hot, female supermodels are at a bar.  A nerd approaches them.
Nerd:  “Do you like the X-Men?”
Model #1:  “Sigh.”
Nerd:  “I like Storm, Cyclops too!”
Model #1:  “Let me ask you something, do you eat your boogers?”
Nerd:  (Hesitantly) “Ye-yeah.”
The model uses the taser on the nerd.
Model #2:  “You shouldn’t have done that Kristy.”
Model #1:  “Well he said he eats his boogers.”
Model #2:  “Who doesn’t?”
Model #1 uses the taser on Model #2.